I’ll be honest, I have no idea where to start. I’ve shared our story so many times but never actually wrote it down and it feels a little strange to put it all out there for the whole world to see. If you know me, you know I am pretty much an open book although I rarely use social media as my platform. I’m definitely a one-on-one, let’s get coffee and have a conversation, kind of person. So, here goes something new and more public than anything I’ve ever done.
First off, I want to thank everyone who reads this for all your love, support and prayers. It has been almost four years of pain, disappointment, heartbreak and sadness; however, knowing we have such an incredible support system in our friends and family has provided us with much needed comfort. If you’re reading this and have faced similar struggles, I encourage you to share your story. Infertility is such a personal and emotional experience; it’s so easy to feel isolated and alone. The truth is, infertility is much more common than we realize, but speaking up is often uncomfortable and terrifying. I’ve come to realize keeping it bottled up is quite unhealthy and can lead to serious mental and physical repercussions. I’m starting to sound like an after-school special, so let’s move on.
When Jonathan and I got married in December 2011, we knew having children was definitely part of our plan. We discussed waiting two years before starting our family, but by July, my maternal instincts kicked in and combined with being in an unfamiliar state, I was ready to have a baby. I’m sure Jonathan will share his side of the story at some point, but let’s just say I took matters into my own hands before he was 100% on board. Not my finest moment, I admit. Sorry babe 🙂 We both figured it’d take a few months to get pregnant, but by December, we started to feel like something wasn’t right. Spring came and I finally made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was working properly. The results showed everything was normal which brought a mixture of relief and frustration. Part of me hoped there was something wrong so at least we had an answer for why couldn’t pregnant. Instead, we were met with unanswered questions and uncertainty of where to go next.
After 24 months of trying, waiting, crying and praying, we began to feel as though we were being called in a different direction. For several weeks, I started having vivid dreams of our newborn baby being handed to us, wrapped in pink, with the birth mother thanking us for loving her little girl and caring for her in a way she wasn’t able to. At first, I brushed the dreams off. I tend to have crazy, life like dreams, so I just attributed it to that. Plus, adoption wasn’t something I’d ever considered or something Jonathan and I had ever really discussed. It certainly wasn’t out of the question, but had never been something we put much thought into. The dreams kept coming; some were of a baby left on our front door with the birth certificate showing our names, others came in the form of a young mom not ready to handle a baby but wanting to make sure it was loved and cared for. I realized the dreams were more than just dreams and finally shared them with Jonathan. In that moment, we both looked at each other and realized our family was going to grow through adoption. Not because it was a last resort or a back up plan, but it was the plan laid out for us, we just hadn’t seen it yet.
While there will always been a sting of emptiness left by infertility, the joy of knowing our children will be part of our family soon enough fills the empty spaces.
XOXO,
Rachel
Rachel Hairgrove 